Fun Stuff

A friend sent me these gaffes under the heading “What Would We Do Without Newspapers” not long after I posted the updates to Regret the Errors in “Redux, Redux III” last week. They are actual headlines or text and they are priceless. Just wish one could identify the sources. As my tenth grade English teacher used to say, “Think!” (P.S. I’m only copying the clean ones, though some of the others are positively hysterical.)

  • “Get 50 percent off or half price, whichever is less.”
  • “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.”
  • “Question: What constitutes a millionaire? Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.”
  • “One-armed man applauds kindness of strangers.”
  • “A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman.”
  • “Army vehicle disappears: An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
  • “5:00 p.m. – Police were called to Market Square for a report of ‘suspicious coin.’ Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.”
  • “Blaine [that would probably be Blaine, Washington] – Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15th someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.”
  • “Fish need water, Feds say”
  • “Alton attorney accidentally sues himself.” I looked up the details on this one. It came from a 2005 story that contains an almost verbatim deposition of the case in The Record of Madison and St. Clair, Illinois. The story is not a joke, however, because the lawyer filed on behalf of a client against a title company that he owned.
  • “County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.”
  • “Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum: ‘We had no idea anyone was buried there.’ ”
  • “Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison.”

And my favorite:

  • “Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons.”

To be continued …

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